Feeling BLue
by spitfire00
Summary: Lance is feeling worthless. Pidge reminds him just how important he is.


He had fucked up big.

Again.

Honestly he felt like he was living some comical world where everyone had one job, and he couldn't freakin' do his right. Ever. It was like he was constantly at the bunt of some sick twisted joke where everything he did was completely ruined, except it wasn't fucking funny, it was just fucking scary. Every time he had some massive goof, he put his team's lives at risk. He was risking his family's lives back on Earth. He was risking the lives of everyone who was trying to survive the Galra's rule.

And Lance was pretty sure he was never going to get it right.

This particular mistake had taken place aboard a Galra Fighter ship, strong enough and large enough to knock any number of planets out of their orbits where they would be in prime position for conquer. Lance remembers how Pidge's voice had thundered as she mentioned the number of warm bodies detected in the logs compared to the number of warm bodies incinerated. He more keenly remembered how his stomach had dropped when he realized that the numbers were the same. That ship had literally killed everyone it had ever come across.

He recalled how his mistake would have blown Voltron out of the sky if it weren't for Shiro keeping his head on straight or for Hunk to cover his ass.

Honestly, he wasn't ready to remember the whole thing. He really just wanted to die for a few days and maybe wake up when things had-

"Are you just sitting in the dark?" Pidge's voice nearly sent his moping heart into fucking overdrive. He jerked out of his skin and bent over to try to draw breath into his startled lungs.

" _Jesus-_ Pidge! What the hell? God- who sneaks up on someone like that?" Lance felt an immediate need to save his pride after having nearly fainting at her arrival. It was obviously all Pidge's fault because she had sneaked up on him.

"It's not like I came in here planning on scaring the shit out of you. I thought you heard me open the door." She grumbled as she flicked on the lights and dimmed them a few settings, wanting some light but not willing to blind Lance when she knew he was probably in a cruddy mood from earlier. "Seriously though, are you just sitting in the dark?"

"Yes. And I was doing it alone." Lance didn't mean for his words to be quite so callous, but he really did not feel like dealing with anyone tonight. Or tomorrow. Or ever.

"And now you're doing it with me. Scootch." Pidge had made her way over to where he was sprawled out in one of the lounge's comfortable chairs and kicked him halfheartedly with her foot.

"Pidge, no. There is not enough room on this chair for both of us." He griped, his foul mood radiating off of him in waves.

Pidge was either completely unaffected or very determined to bother him. "Bullshit. We both weigh less than 120 pounds." She called him out on his lie, but he refused to budge. "Fine." Her words held a sense of finality about them as she kicked off her boots and then proceeded to climb on top of the chair and Lance both, kicking and forcibly pushing him until she too was settled in the chair, her legs splayed out on top of Lance's legs and their shoulders smashing into each other. She wiggled herself a little deeper into the cushions and let her elbow dig into his ribs before she finally held still, her bright eyes daring him to say something. Any other day and he would quickly rise to the bait and they would argue about trivial matters until they ran out of argument topics and just started conversing instead.

Today Lance didn't rise, but instead wiped a hand across his chin and turned away moodily.

"Oh boy." Pidge had deemed that she would simply speak for the both of them apparently if he wasn't interested in playing along. "What is it now?" She immediately had his attention.

"What is it now? Really Pidge? What is it now? You're really going to give me shit after a day like today? After the things we saw? Just 'Oh! What is Lance complaining about now?'" If it were Keith, he would have thrown in a 'Fuck you' at the end, but it immediately feels wrong in his throat and catches on his tongue when he sees Pidge's young face. Sure he's cussed her out before, but never with malicious intent, and even though he was pissed, he found himself unable to get the words out.

"What are you complaining about?" She asks after a tick, her voice soft. She was purposefully pushing her boundaries. Lance was far more lenient with her and Hunk than he was with the others, and she knew it would come in handy as soon as Lance's face nearly turns purple.

"Do you really have to ask? We all could have died today Pidge! And it would have been all my fault! Goodbye universe! Sorry! But Lance fucked up and now the only thing capable of saving the universe is gone!" His voice rose in volume as his anger spiked. "It would have been all my fucking fault, just like fucking always, and you come in here and ask what I'm complaining about now?"

Pidge had been listening carefully, her face calm and collected, until she caught the last part. "Wait, what do you mean by 'Fucking always'?"

Lance threw his hands up in exasperation, patience completely nonexistent. "Like how it's always me! It's always my fault! I'm constantly fucking up. I can't keep up with the plans, or I don't understand something- I'm the fuck up on the team. That's what I am. I haven't been able to do anything right since this whole thing started. We need a damn "How Many Times Has Lance Nearly Ruined Everything This Week" counter in the Control Bay because honestly, it's fucking ridiculous. I feel like I'm some huge joke- just- everyone's waiting for the day when Lance accidentally gets himself killed or some shit-"

"Don't you dare say that." Lance's tirade is cut off instantly by Pidge's thunderous threat, and he startled before looking over at her and blinked. Her eyes were rimmed with wet tears and her bottom lip was quivering but her voice was furious and frankly, somewhat frightening. She sat up straighter and leaned forward, sticking a firm finger in Lance's face. "Don't. You. Fucking. Dare." Pidge weighed about ninety pounds and stood at four foot tall, but she could be fairly intimidating when she wanted to. "God... how- how can you even say that, Lance? That you're just going to die!?"

"Pidge, it wouldn't be that surprising- we're fighting for our lives every single stupid day! And guess what? We're losing!" Lance hadn't meant to upset her so, but he was still full of a dark churning rage that he wasn't quite ready to put to rest. She had come into the room looking for a fight, and now she had one.

"Have you seen what we're up against? I would say we're doing just fine! We saved thousands of lives today Lance! That ship that we destroyed was only active for three years, and you heard the number of people it's kiiled, but we fucking took it out! It isn't going to hurt anyone anymore! That is a victory you numbskull!" Pidge's tears had evaporated and her voice risen in frustration. She was using the same tone she used when she was trying to explain tech to the other paladins who obviously couldn't follow along.

But Lance could certainly keep up with this conversation just fine. "Are you kidding? We had the opportunity to destroy their entire hangar! We could have taken out dozens of those ships, and you're content with only destroying one?!"

"Considering we barely made it out alive- yeah! I am!"

"And who's fucking fault is that? Because its certainly not yours or Keith's or- _Fuck-_ Pidge- Why am I even fucking here?!" The dam had cracked finally, and all the self hate and doubt was quickly rushing out, soon to burst.

"What the fuck does that even mean?! You know why you're here! You're here to fight Zarkon and basically save the whole damn universe. We've known this for months-"

"No, Pidge! I mean _me? I can't do anything for this fucking team!"_ His words came out in a strangled shout that echoed off of the lounges as he bent forward suddenly, completely dislodging Pidge's legs. He dug his long fingers into his scalp and tugged at his hair, his face hidden by his palms and his entire body coiled so tensely that it looked as though one touch would cause him to snap into two. He gave a full body shutter and turned his face away from her completely, humiliated by his inability to control his emotions. " _I can't do anything right... I have no role... I'm just filling up empty space."_

Silence filled the air as Lance's mournful words slowly sunk into Pidge's misfiring brain, and she slowly came to realize just what Lance was going through.

 _Oh god, how long had he been thinking like this?_

She gingerly positioned herself with her arms and tucked her legs back onto the chair as she stared at the back of her friend's neck.

She had to fix this. Immediately. Sure, she wasn't the most sensitive person on their team, but what did that mean really? She _knew_ Lance. They hadn't been the closest at Garrison, but that was her fault, not his. He had always made an effort to reach out to her, and it had taken five giant robotic lions for her to finally accept his friendship. Living in a massive castle with little company meant that she actually enjoyed having him around, and through battle, video games, nightmares, and teasing, they had grown into good friends. He was a lunatic and offered endless material for harassment, but damnnit if she didn't consider him family. Ever since losing her brother and father, she took that kind of bond very seriously, and she could say without hesitation that Lance was her adopted brother, resting at a level that she could compare to Matt. Matt had been _everything_ during her childhood, and now Lance had wiggled his way into her heart until she realized she considered him family too. All they had were the five paladins on this ship, along with Allura and Coran. They were family now through familiarity and necessity, and she was going to be there for her him.

"That's not true." Not her strongest introduction, but it would have to do. "At all."

Lance didn't move from his hunched position, just gave a self depreciating snort.

"I'm serious Lance. You're out here with us for a reason. The blue lion chose you."

"You don't think she wasn't just desperate to get home? That she was willing to take anything she could get after ten thousand years?" His voice was soft and melancholy, but Pidge could pick up on her opportunity. Lance wasn't willing to give up yet. He wanted to believe himself worthy. There was hope yet.

"Are you kidding? We all were touching that force-field, but she didn't open up until you got there. She spoke to your right away! She was eager to go, sure, but she was eager for _you,_ Lance... She loves you. You two are the same now. I mean, you're not a huge mechanical lion, but you just... radiate sometimes, just like she does. Seeing her without you feels almost intruding. I've known you for a while now, and I can see a difference in you since you've met her. You seem... more complete. We all do, but you especially."

Lance had been listening quietly to her words, and when he sat up finally, Pidge could almost see his mind churning. She had his attention. "And I think you notice it too... You just seem more alive around her. I always knew you were a good pilot, but not everyone can pilot a machine her size."

"You weren't a pilot before, and you do just fine." he huffs, wet eyes turning to meet her. She only shrugs at him.

"Green has to help me a lot if I'm honest. She wiggles into my brain and kinda just... makes everything connect. I've only flown the pods a few times, and I still struggle with the landing sometimes, but I'm working on it. You just, make it happen."

Lance doesn't respond, but instead uses the edge of his t-shirt to wipe furiously at his eyes with the fabric. When he's done he sees Pidge staring him down, and it makes a little part of his heart turn to stone and sink. No one was supposed to know how much he hated this, how much he hated himself. He hadn't meant to burden her like this. She was the only reason they had any information on the Galra or any kind of strategic advantage on them in the tech field. She was their only member capable of reprogramming old trash into pieces they could use. She already had a lot on her thin shoulders...

"I know I teased you for it earlier, but you _are_ our sharpshooter, you know that right?"

Lance lets out another snort and finally sits back on the couch. "Sure."

"I'm serious Lance. I've never seen someone hit a target like you can. When we train we usually focus on hand to hand, but I've seen what you can do from a distance. Hell, _I owe my fucking life to what you can do from a distance."_

Lance's eyes snap to her quick as lightning. "What're you talking about?"

"When you were injured by the bomb in the castle, and Sendak had caught me. He had spent hours chasing me down. I ruined all of his plans, and I was being quite the pest. He was infuriated. He had me in his claws and was crushing me. If you hadn't shot him, he would have killed me right there."

"Oh man- I forgot about that..." His face slowly morphs into something darker. "I remember waking up... and I saw what he was doing to you... and I didn't... Didn't even think. It could have been anyone. I would have shot off anyone's arm. I was just so- angry- when I saw you. When I saw what he was doing to you- _No one_ gets to hurt you like that." Pidge felt her stomach twist a little, and she knew immediately that Lance would stay true to his word. All of the Paladins were protective of her, but Lance had been protective even back at the Garrison.

It almost made her frustrated because she knew she didn't _need_ protection, but it mostly just reminded her of the warm feeling she always got when Matt had been protective too. It was a familiar feeling, but now it had a much different meaning. They were all in much more life-threatening situations than they had ever been in before, and sometimes protecting her put them at a greater risk.

Whatever. She would protect them too, and everyone would be fine. She knew better than to dwell on it too much.

"You woke up from a coma to save me Lance. I can say for certain that no one else on the team has ever done that." Her words end on a softer note as she leans back and digs herself into his side for a moment before finally settling with her head on his chest. He let out a heaving sigh before pausing and finally wrapping his arms around her skinny body, hugging her firmly against him.

"Well, at least that is true." He mumbles, the bottom of his chin vibrating against the top of her head.

"It is true. You... You also threw yourself on Coran to save him... you've done a lot to protect the ones you love. You're so selfless that it scares me. You have to protect yourself too. If you die trying to save me I will fucking haunt your grave."

"Technically if I'm the one who died, then I get to haunt you."

"Shut the fuck up Lance." His sudden bark of laughter at her attitude is refreshing to hear, and much more like the Lance she is used to. He gives her a little squeeze and she turns her head to look up at his face. "Seriously though. I know I joke, but you are really important to this team dammit. You're our sniper." She grunts with a smile suddenly. "It's like Call of Duty. You're our sniper. I'm the medic kinda, I mean- like the tech guy- whatever. Shiro's our leader, and Hunk's the guy on the opposite side of the map running around with a bazooka." She gives one deep belly laugh at her own comparison, the image playing in her head making her whole face light up. Lance's eyes had dried and filled with mirth instead.

"And who's Keith?"

"He's the asshole camping around the corner." When Lance explodes into laughter she knows she's done at least something right. He laughs until his cheeks are red and his ribs hurt. She tucks herself back into his side and smiles brightly. She would never forget not to check up on him, to make sure he was feeling himself. And if she had to remind him of his worth every day for the rest of her life, then she would, and she wouldn't complain.


End file.
